I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
