seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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