No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Randomize
