***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Randomize
