News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
