Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
The best revenge is premature balding
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Randomize
