A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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