Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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