we have officially mastered the walk of shame
You're earring is so big in my mouth
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
3 2 1 whiskey
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
