Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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