She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
