just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
