I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
