i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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