that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
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Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
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Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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