Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!