fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting