Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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