My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
i believe in u and ur pee
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
