I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
