So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
