so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
