Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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