Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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