Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
