Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
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