I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
two words: eviction party
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
