TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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