I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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