Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Randomize
