I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
