Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
