i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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