My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
