I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
