so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Randomize
