All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
