chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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