Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
