You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
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