Non-Jews are for practice
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
