I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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