ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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