A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
