Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I think my moral compass just broke
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