I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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