just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
