Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
he quoted the bible to break up with me
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
