Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Rumble strips road head = magical
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
