I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high