nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
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Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
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Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no