so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
