You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Randomize
