He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
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