I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
