seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
