I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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