He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
