Kiss
Puke
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
