And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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