ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
