You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
